disclaimer:
this post may refer to ALL, FEW OF YOU, OR JUST YOU.
this does not only refer to the eight people
it refers to all, as in ALL and ANY person

im just going to express all my thoughts
hope you all don't mind
i know you do, but just yea, im going crazy alrdy

im sure you all know the recent conflict
of which was referred to as "clique fight"
so i shall not go into details
cos if you should know about this
then you would have alrdy known
if you don't,
then this doesn't concern you

im not going to thank anyone here
nor am i going to scold anyone here
i shall just express my thoughts as a person involved
and nothing more

recently,
many people have been asking me when this is going to end
and seriously speaking,
ive got no idea
i want this to end
yes i do
but this is not easy
i hope you all can understand that this is not typical friendship problem
where you just shake hands and thats it
yes, it started off like that
but due to my carelessness and indifference,
ive overlooked this problem
and thus expanded to many others
for this i shall take responsibility

of course
we are people
and no one is perfect
we have our own set of shortcomings and flaws
and sometimes, we can't seem to do anything about it
however hard we try
and therefore, i shall say that
ive created all this havoc
hate me all you want,
ive expected all this and im mentally prepared

look, im not admitting or whatsoever here
in a conflict, both parties are wrong
in some way or another
and sometimes, we just can't control adversity and conflicts
and soon we fall apart because of that
its part of life
and we have to face it, no matter how much we don't want to

recently, its rather obvious the class is taking sides
and its depressing
esp when you see all your once so trusted classmates going against you
and not caring about your feelings,
repeatedly tell you to stop when you know you can't
cos you don't have the power and authority to
and people who suddenly scold you,
shun away,
its sad.
and yes, im at fault
but is it only me?
people who say you don't take sides
yes, perhaps
but think again,
you really don't?
i hate to see everything crumble due to my problem
where many others who are totally not involved get into the problem
its like you feel the whole world is suddenly against you
and you can literally feel yourself breaking inside
and your heart just broke
its not a nice feeling, trust me.
when i told the counsellor
(censored)
can you imagine the hurt and sorrow in me,
when i said does words?
my eyes just watered and i almost cried in the room
i was really very lost, i just felt like ive lost everything overnight
the sadness, and grief, and regret,
just surged over me like a forceful tidal wave
pushing me away

can you imagine every night,
before you turn in
you look into the mirror
its you.
but its not you again
cos you're the one who broke the class up into pieces
and you just stare at yourself
suddenly theres a voice beside you
telling you,
"no one cares anymore, you're alone, you're no longer part of them, they hate you now"
and you feel yourself
falling
falling
into a deep hole
and you can't pull yourself up

this is partly the reason why i decided to visit the counsellor
not because i want to accuse or get anyone into trouble
but because i know i can't take this anymore
by myself
and i need someone who would sit there and help me sort things out,
one by one
cos im feeling very depressed now
i really have absolutely no idea what to do
i can't possibly sit there and wait to be sent to the asylum
i feel like the world is against me
im crumbling inside
my mental state is far from good
and the worst thing is
you know no one cares.

there's still a whole lot in me
of which i dun want to say
and once again i emphasise
this may not refer to you
and im just venting everything out
before i go crazy
of all the pressure.

electron

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